Anónimo
Anónimo preguntado en Family & RelationshipsOther - Family & Relationships · hace 1 mes

I need some advices on my boyfriend getting in to the army. What should I do? ?

Please read the first comment for the whole story

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PLEASE READ THE FIRST COMMENT BEFORE COMMENTING

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He has social anxiety that's why I am concerned but please do read the comment so you will have a full understanding of the matter

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Since many cannot read the comment, I'll post it herem bits by bits, sorry about this! 

So my bf wants to join the army. The thing is that is something that he had thought about before, true, but never being too serious about it. But now he just graduated and he’s desperate because he doesn’t want to study anymore or at least not immediately, and he wants to make loads of money by working, and his mother came out with the army idea again. 

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His parents are nice but they do guilty trip him a lot; he finished his exams just few weeks ago yet every time he was in the bed chilling, like you’re supposed to when you finish your exam and have a whole summer in front of you, they made him feeling lazy and they keep constantly pressuring him to get a job. 

 

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The army in their head would be the perfect fit because they wouldn’t need to pay for him nor to feed him anymore, he would have to do “solid labour work” (being two people who never went into education they value the labour work way more than studying), he would be trained to be efficient, hard working and always wake up early, and he would make loads of money, given the fact that, having a degree, he could aspire for a career as an official.

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But they do not consider how tough is it to be in the army.

My boyfriend has social anxiety (he was never diagnosed with it but having lived with him for all the last 1 year and half I can tell), he struggles to feel comfortable around people he doesn’t know (and sometimes even with the ones he knows best as well), he’s constantly thinking that everyone (even people in the streets that he has never seen before) talks s.h.i.t. about him...

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... and he tends to overthink about lightly statement made by people, associating completely unreasonable meanings to them just because he’s so insecure he thinks people see him as a weakling. Plus he gets very anxious that ppl manipulate him, and he directed this insult even to me more than once,just because sometimes I suggest him what we could do. He doesn’t always do that of course, but there are days in which he’s in a bad place and he just cover me with all of these nonsense insults.

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I’ll give an example: back in January (when we were living alone, far away from his parents) I proposed him we could go to live abroad, because I am a foreigner myself and I know how nice this experience can be, even to broaden your views in terms of your career path. At first he enthusiastically accepted, but then with time his interest faded away more and more, especially once we went to live with his parents because of the pandemic.

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I wasn’t too bothered about it because I don’t mind, it was just a suggestion, as long as I can live with him it doesn’t matter where we go, and I made that clear to him too.Yet when in the last month he started to talk about the army thing(which he hided from me for days, he was secretly speaking with his mom about it, and I though they were both being funny but I couldn’t understand what it was happening)...

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... the day he told me everything he also got annoyed to me because I wasn’t really happy about it, and he started to say how manipulative I was because “I tried to trick him into going abroad. I made him notice that if I was so manipulative then we would have been already there, and he couldn’t reply anything if not admitting that he was wrong. 

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The problem is that when he doesn’t speak to me he fills his head with these bad thoughts about me, of me being selfish, manipulative, and he’s incapable of thinking logically about it unless he speaks to me. Only then he understands that he’s being paranoid. But sometimes if he doesn’t let me in I just can’t speak to him, because he would quickly shush me, getting arsy if I try to tell him anything.

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More than a week ago he told me about the army thing and we were on the merge of breaking up,because I wasn’t happy about it.He started to get really annoyed at every tiny mistake I made to the point that he asked me to leave and go back to my country.That night I couldn’t sleep and when he woke up I told him that since I knew clearly my feelings for him, but he didn’t, it was best for me to go back to the flat I used to live in before coronavirus, and if he could drive me there...

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...so he could have some time to himself to think.  After I asked this not only he didn’t want me to go, but his behaviour changed entirely. He understood how much is parents were manipulating him and we had a fantastic week in which we were both together relaxing and the army thing went from being something about which he was sure of to become one of the many options he could have pursued, not even the most prominent. 

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You need to understand that on one side I don’t want him to join for selfish reasons: of course I would like to live with him and have the life we were leading before the pandemic, and of course I am scared of the thought of him leaving for 4 months and coming back only for few weeks, in which I could even barely spend time alone with him because he would probably like to see his family too. 

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You need to understand that on one side I don’t want him to join for selfish reasons: of course I would like to live with him and have the life we were leading before the pandemic, and of course I am scared of the thought of him leaving for 4 months and coming back only for few weeks, in which I could even barely spend time alone with him because he would probably like to see his family too. 

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But the thing that scares me the most is about his social anxiety. He struggled even to go to uni many times because he was obsessively thinking that everyone there (teachers included) were speaking ill of him. Many times I was there, helping him and trying to make him feel better. Once, in February, I went back to my country to stay for a month there, and we were constantly on the phone because he was always anxious and needed comfort from me.

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It wasn’t the same thing of me being there, even if I tried my best to make him feel well again, so sometimes he was very down. Now since we have being staying into his parents house for so long (a familiar environment) he feels more relaxed and confident but I am afraid it’s just an illusion. I fear of him going into the army because I think he won’t be able to cope well with the life there, where you live 24h with people you don’t know...

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probably many people full of testosterone and of themselves, during your training you get shout at many times for every single mistake, and I also researched a lot on the matter and many people say that is a bad mistake to get into the army if you have already mental health problems going on in your head, because it will only enhance the disturb, leading him to even become suicidal.

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 Also once you get into the army you can’t get out unless you pretend to be severely ill or suicidal, but this could also mean to be dismissed with dishonour and that many careers would be precluded to him. So basically a total disaster which could have been avoidable if only he researched more into the matter (and not just into how much is the pay going to be) and listened to me more. 

5 respuestas

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  • Edna
    Lv 7
    hace 1 mes

    First of all, he's not going to make "loads of money" if he goes into the  Army - not even if he becomes an officer and makes a career of the Army. He'll make a decent salary and he'll be able to live comfortably on it, but he not going to make "loads" of money.  

     

    If your boyfriend has "social anxiety", don't worry about it. The Army will knock that out of him mighty fast, or else they'll discharge him. Someone with social anxiety or who thinks people are out to get him has no business in the Army.  He wouldn't be able to hack Army life. While he's in boot camp, it will seem as if his drill sergeant DOES have it in for him; so your boyfriend had better be prepared to deal with that. 

    On second thought, maybe he SHOULD go into the Army. Maybe the Army will make a man of him! 

     

    If he's discharged for medical or emotional reasons, he won't be dishonorably discharged. He'll be given a medical discharge; and that won't affect his future prospects one bit.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    hace 1 mes

    Here's the deal. You can't force someone to stay with you by pathologizing and gaslighting them. It's hard to tell whether this guy has serious problems or that's just wishful thinking on your part. If he's truly mentally ill he won't pass the intake exams to join the military anyway. But it sounds very much like the best thing this guy could do for himself is to get away from you and from his parents so he can grow up without all these controlling people waging a war over him. He must be exhausted from the situation you've all put him in. 

  • hace 1 mes

    Drill sergeants will be screaming in his face and he will have to respond sometimes by yelling back at them. 

  • Marli
    Lv 7
    hace 1 mes

    bluebellbkk is right. Your relationship question has nothing to do with books. You might get pertinent information if you move in to the right category.

    I'll suggest that your boyfriend should find a job -- even a temporary or part-time job like a gas station attendant or putting hamburgers together at McDonald's -- while he considers what he should do next. A "gap year" between high school and college can be helpful to decompress from the books and exams so one can think seriously about the career one wants and what one can achieve. I worked in an old age home, making beds and dressing six women within an hour every morning among other duties.  That was a challenge.  At the start, I could barely do two women in time for their breakfast.  My supervisor insisted I learn to increase speed in three months or else. A coworker showed me some short cuts and by the time I  learned the routine by heart my stamina improved and my morning routine speed was 'acceptable" (4 women). My neice volunteered at a Habitat for Humanity type of organization to help build houses in Guatemala.  She said the tough work experience stretched her social skills and gave her self confidence because she was outside the classroom environment and had to depend on herself as well as on her coworkers. 

    I don't know about the armed forces as a career or even a job. I am a pacifist, so though I  admire the military for getting things done in emergencies, I am not keen on killing people or recommending it. I also think it would take more  stamina than I or my niece were called upon to dredge up; but it is amazing how ready for anything you feel when you at last accomplish the task. Could your boyfriend meet with an employment counselor to discuss his strengths and skills, to see if the military would be a good fit or would  stretch his limits? Meanwhile, he could take on a job that may not pay more than the minimum, but helps his adjust to a work environment.

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  • hace 1 mes

    Sweetheart, I don't think you understand what Y!A is about. It is not here for people to write miles and miles about their personal relationships. I'm certainly not going to read your whole post, and I suspect not many people will.

    Not only that but you've allowed your question to be  posted in a totally wrong category. I know it's not your fault, but it IS your fault if you don't move it right away to the "Relationships" category. Everyone can move their own questions as often as they like - just click on Edit.Please do that right now. You may get a more sympathetic response there. But please don't get into the habit of writing such long posts. You could have told us the essence in two paragraphs.

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