how to know the truth about me?

I had hope, now none. Tried 2 have a gud relation w my hsbnd but, it went back to chaos. Now i wonder if I evr lovd him or just "took the first bus that came 4 me". I tried so hard to keep the marriage together that now I'm so emotionally bruised that now after being thru so much, I don't know if I love him. I wish him well, don't want anything bad to happen to him, he is the father of my teenage children. I'm 50, & of course I' don't want, and will never again look for anybody else, I rather be alone. For me I really believe in "till death do us part", while i'm alive, he is my hsbnd, so there is no room for other relation, besides, Im not interested. I feel wasted inside, burned out. Even if there is not a conflict right now, (but there is) I wonder now if I I was in love when I married. Twenty yrs together, so much turmoil, now there isn't any spark, not an emotion, not a desire, nothing. I just wonder if it is supposed to be like this. I just try to have an amicable relation, with respect, being responsible in evry thing that we need to take care of, but, inside, I feel cold. I'm commited, that's why I stayed till now, but i feel bad b/c i don't feel gud inside.

Here darkness, emptyness, a hole, cold, dark, not a rope, not a help, same loneliness, abandonment, saddest-somber feeling, hopelessness, same past, haunting and stomping, flatenning without any care. sarcarsm not enough, lifeless heart, hardest as stone. Not even the smallest desire, not even the least want, not a request, not a complain. Doesn't know what a dream is. Forgot to dream. Nothing good/deserved. Never good was meant. Never look/consider. Not meant to receive/deserve. Evrything for anyone. Nightmares always return. The storm, winds, dark clouds always linger, come and go, never dissapear. It's a cycle... a circle, never ends. Don't open your eyes. Nothing to see, just a faint dream, short lived, not real, illusion. Not a surprise, storms, hurricanes, strong winds...eye of the storm... quiet, 2nd part of the storm. Questions, uncertaintly, doubts, not sure. TRUTH? Self deceived? Do things for many reasons, believing the right ones, later, question, true motivator?, now...Click/click One second: light, one second darkness.

1 respuesta

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  • Anónimo
    hace 10 años
    Respuesta preferida

    sounds like u need to just start over with him become freinds again thats often what happens u get so caught up in life u forget that ur freinds before lovers youve probly both changed alot and u feel like you dont know either of youz try getting time to yourself and time with him play board games and cards do stuff where u talk more you probly did love him at one point or you wouldnt have chosen to mary him you just have to find the reason why u did all over again its normal to lose your relationship along the way look how many devorcise there are now days people get so caught up in work and kids and stuff that they forget about each other

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